When Did We Fall in Love?
by smileypv
Summary: Boy meets girl. Girl likes boy. Boy falls in love with girl. Girl is married. How will this end?
1. First

We meet on a Saturday.

I wanted to go to the new farmer's market that had popped up at the park nearest my house. Jacob didn't want to go and stayed home to play his newest first-person shooter. I meet Alice at the farmer's market and then we go to lunch with her new boyfriend Jasper and his friend, you.

I shake your hand. "Nice to meet you, Edward." You smile at me, our eyes meeting. I've never met anyone with such green eyes before. It is a surprise how nervous I become after that.

As we eat and talk, I watch you as covertly as possible. You're quieter than Jasper, but we all still laugh and chat, joking with each other. It's hard not to feel upbeat when Jasper is around. Alice obviously adores him and their kisses make me blush.

As we all prepare to leave, Jasper embraces Alice in a lingering kiss laden with promise. I know that kiss; I have had many of those in my early days with Jacob. I find myself looking at you, Edward, and suddenly wishing I knew how it felt to kiss you like that. It is a thought I have never had about anyone other than Jacob.

When I get in my car, I realize that you were the kind of guy I would have wanted to date back then. Before.

Before I was married.


	2. Impression

I spy a silver band riding lonely on her finger and I wonder.

When Jasper had invited me to lunch with him and his new girlfriend and her friend, I was just looking to get out of the house. My girlfriend Tanya and her sister Kate were both in Las Vegas, on a girls' weekend, as Kate's birthday was coming up. They met their friend Carmen there and apparently neither I nor Kate's husband Garrett or Carmen's boyfriend Eleazar were invited. I tried to imagine what sort of shenanigans they would get themselves into, but really I was just happier to get away from Tanya.

As easygoing as I try to be, my girlfriend is smothering me and I am close to remedying the situation. Either break up with her or stick it out. Surely, after more time passed, she will stop being _so much_. She was everywhere. It was like she had practically moved in already.

Since she is such a homebody and I had become one as well, I am happy to get out of the house, even if it was for a meal with people I didn't know. Jasper and I are work buddies and it is nice of him to think of me like that. His girlfriend Alice is a petite thing, but, man, is she a looker. Porcelain skin, dark hair, graceful. Her eyes are so big that I think she saw right through me when she shook my hand. She looks like she could take the measure of anyone straightaway.

Behind her is you, her friend Bella. All I see at first is cascading waves of brown hair swinging over your shoulders. You smile at me and then take off your sunglasses when we shake hands. Chocolate brown eyes. I am stunned. I have never seen eyes so warm in my life. I think I see your pupils dilate and lip tremble for a fraction of a second before we all sit down.

Touching you is electric. I want to feel it again.

I see you watching me, trying to be covert about it, while we all eat and talk. Truth is, I am doing the same thing. I have never felt anything like this before. All of the girls I have dated have never piqued my interest like this. If Jasper and Alice weren't here, I would ask you every question I could think of.

As it was, reeling next to Jasper, I let him take the lead and just enjoy everyone's company. I try really hard to resist the hope that is building inside of me.

_"Maybe we can do this again sometime," I would say._

_I would see you smile. "Sure," you would say._

I see it and hear it all as if it were real. Then I see the quiet silver band on your finger and clamp my mouth shut.

_If only I had met you earlier…_


	3. Second

It's only when he comes that I notice that I haven't been in the moment.

Jacob relaxes underneath me, breathing heavily, and then smiles at me. He looks satisfied as he always does and, for a moment, it feels _wrong._ I feel a hesitation that hasn't gripped me in a long time. I remember it from early on, a feeling like we were almost right. We certainly aren't wrong for each other; everything about us seems to go together. He's cocky where I am uncertain. I am even-tempered where he tends to lose his cool. I am the brainy one while he is satisfied with just getting by. But, at least early on, I used to worry that I was settling. No reason to think other than some unconscious fluttering in my gut.

Where was I when Jacob was inside me? My mind didn't drift like this during sex. Where had I gone? I worried just a bit that he had noticed my distraction.

But as he changes positions with me, cocky smirk on his face, when he disappears down below, I close my eyes. Fantasies wash over me, but this time they feature green eyes. My sexual self clings to these images and, as I come, I find myself trying to hide how upset I am with myself. I wrap my body around Jacob, holding on to him even after his body heat has made me uncomfortable.

Later, when Jacob is asleep, I bite my nails. _I just met you, Edward, _I silently chide your image.


	4. Chances

With Tanya in Vegas, I am alone to do as I wish for the first time in weeks and I feel restless. I usually only feel like this when I'm horny, but Tanya bid me a fond farewell with some lovin' before she got on the airplane yesterday. I find my restlessness unusual so I head out to the new pub around the corner from my apartment.

This joint just opened, but it already is packed to the gills on a Saturday evening. It's not even 11 pm and I see bare midriffs and the machinations of men on the prowl. I laugh silently to myself, knowing how many times I've pulled the same crap on a girl. I scour the area for a place to sit and see a guy standing up at the bar. Beeline for the guy's seat and find myself next to cascading brown waves and chocolate brown eyes.

"Bella!"

"Edward," you smile. You're wearing a tanktop and skinny jeans with flats. Your legs are crossed and go on for miles. You're nursing a beer, not a girlie beer either. I order a pint and turn to you. Your shy smile stirs something in my soul.

We talk, awkwardly at first. My first question, "What are you doing here?" prompts the single response that I'll analyze for days.

"Jacob and I came here to check this place out." Your face is blank, but your eyes look down when you answer. From under your lashes, you look up at me, chin still pointing down, but you look as if you're trying to read my expression. I struggle to remain impassive. The silver band indeed becomes a barrier.

"Jacob?" I ask, knowing the answer anyway, but trying to push the conversation forward to mask my disappointment/sadness/anger.

"My husband," you say. "He's over there, shooting pool with some friends." You gesture toward a tall, dark-haired guy with other tall, dark-haired guys. But I can pick him out because he smiles at us the same way I would smile at you if you were mine.

We talk more, introductory stuff about where we live, what we do. When you lean down to pick up your purse, I spy a tattoo on your back shoulder. It is a treble clef and a bass clef intertwined to create a heart.

I fall a little harder for a girl I can't know.


	5. Stop

It's clear that Alice is in love with Jasper. They are so adorable together, it's almost ridiculous. I can tell they're humping like mad too. We used to be like that once, Jacob and I.

I guess that happens when you have known each other for so long. It all falls off a bit the longer you're together. Jake and I have known each other since we were kids, but we didn't take the leap into couplehood until we were both in college. I don't think he would have gone to school if I hadn't made him. As it is, he's still taking classes. I finished my degree almost two years ago, but Jake is still at least a year away from finishing. I try not to get impatient with him about it, but it's hard to work a full-time job and be the sole breadwinner. I see him joking around with Quil and Embry, two guys he goes to school with, and I'm wondering what they're all doing while I'm at work.

As Jake tools around with his bass, I'm singing along with the random tunes he's playing. I miss our band. I wish we could play gigs again, but big girl jobs don't really allow for college girl fun. I ask him about classes and he shrugs. Then he informs me that he and Embry and Quil might play a campus event.

"Without me?" I ask. No matter the gig, I was the singer and Jake played bass. We were a team.

"We have some girl, Leah, and her younger brother, Seth, joining us. Quil and Embry had played with them a couple of times already, but they needed a bass since their usual bass player dumped Leah recently."

I read Alice's latest text about Jasper while I'm sitting there, scowling behind Jake's back. I hate it when he leaves me out. I can't help feeling taken for granted.

"Hey, who was that guy you were talking to last night? I didn't recognize him."

I shrug, silent, and Jacob turns to me. "You guys looked like you knew each other."

"That was Jasper's friend Edward. I met him when Alice and I had lunch."

"Yeah, well, he looked pretty intense talking to you."

I rolled my eyes. "What are you talking about? We were just chatting."

"I didn't like it."

"Then hang with me next time, not with your bros. Hos before bros, right?" I wink at him.

"You could have come and played pool with us, you know."

Apparently this one was on me. Oh, well. I didn't want to sing in that raggedy show anyway.


	6. Thinking

"You know, I don't understand how you can keep this piano when it takes up so much space," Tanya trills the keys on my piano before sitting next to me on the sofa. My apartment isn't very big, but the piano was my mother's and I keep it for sentimental reasons.

"My mother gave that to me. She taught me how to play on it."

Tanya just huffs a little. I'm sure she thinks it's useless to have such a big piece of furniture in a one-bedroom apartment. She's been doing that a lot recently, asking me questions like she's leading up to something. I've lived with a couple of girlfriends briefly when I was in college, usually because they were between living situations or because I had this misguided impression that living together was the right thing for that relationship. Questions like that presaged their attempts to change things. But this was _my _apartment and _my _stuff and, since Tanya didn't officially live here, I wasn't about to change a thing.

"Those posters in your bedroom are different…"

Oh boy.

* * *

Tanya lies next to me, her strawberry blonde hair splayed out on the pillow, her back smooth and bare. I should be satisfied with such an attractive girl in my bed. Most men would be happy, especially after what we spent our evening doing.

But I'm restless again and it's disheartening. I don't want to be dissatisfied with Tanya. She is fun, sexy, and interesting; I wouldn't have started dating her if I didn't like her. It makes no sense to feel like this. I'm lying awake next to her, the clock mocking me with its early hour. 3 am. If I don't go back to sleep soon, I'm going to be a crabby bastard tomorrow, coffee or no.

I can't go back to sleep because I'm afraid I'll see what woke me in the first place. Your eyelashes. The way brown irises peaked up from underneath them. The supple muscle beneath a clef heart. Your quiet wit.

_Don't do this to yourself, Edward_, you say_. I'm married. You've got a girlfriend besides._

I see you saying these things in my head, wearing the clothes you wore at the pub. I see the way you tip up the beer you're drinking. I see how your hands move when you talk.

How am I going to get you out of my head, Bella?


	7. Happy

I sit in the deli around the corner from my office, reading a book while I'm eating lunch. My co-workers are young like me, but they're a bit much in a group so I like to spend my lunch hour in quiet. This week's book is kind of flat so I'm trying to pay attention, but not completely succeeding.

"Bella?"

I'm startled by the sound of a voice behind me. I nearly fall out of the chair trying to get my feet out of the other chair, where I've been perched for thirty minutes. I look up and it's you. Bronze hair, green eyes. You hold a to-go cup of coffee and a greasy sack of food. Embarrassed by my clumsiness, I can only manage the impression of a smile.

"How are you?" you manage, looking as awkward as I feel. Why is this weird?

"I'm fine. I'm just on lunch. I had to get away from my office today. My co-workers have been extra loud today."

You smile, looking down. "I know you feel. It's March Madness. Everyone's talking about the tournament and no one is getting any work done. I'm already sick of it and it hasn't even started yet."

I nod. I knew it was March, but, being a non-sports person, I forget about things that tend to preoccupy other people, especially guys. That would explain a bit of the office exuberance.

You stand there, still awkward. Or is it just me? Dear gosh, I'm a moron.

"I'm sorry. Would you like to join me?" I motion toward the chair and move my lunch detritus out of the way. You sit down and pull out a big hamburger and fries. I raise my eyebrows.

"Quite the lunch you have there." I nod at the spread.

"I'm watching what I eat," you smile. "I'm watching it go down my gullet. I'm enjoying this young masculine metabolism."

I laugh. It sounds like something I might have said. I look at you and meet your emerald eyes for just a second.

Then we talk some more, mostly about work. I memorize the looks and pauses you give me.

I will wake in the night, going over them in my head while Jacob snores quietly next to me.


	8. Coincidences

Now that I know where you work, I'm tempted to have lunch in that general vicinity on the off chance that I'll catch you. But I know that's just stupid – hello, I have a girlfriend – so I resist most days. Sometimes, though, I can't help but try.

Saturday nights, Tanya and I go to the same pub I saw you and your husband at. I take her with me because I know I won't do anything stupid with her around. The place is called Newton's and is owned by two guys, Mike and Eric. Mike is the money and Eric is the brain. I meet the two of them one Saturday night when the pub features its first live show, an alt rock band called The Pack. Two of the band members look familiar to me and I realize that they're the guys your husband was hanging around with while you and I chatted. I look around for you, but to no avail. Instead, I end up sitting next to Mike and Eric, who are contemplating theme nights for their music acts.

We talk about different genres – country, R&B, prog rock, spoken word ("UGH!" Mike mock-chokes Eric), and, my favorite, jazz.

"I play piano, you know. My mom was a jazz pianist before she had me and my sister," I take a swig of my beer, trying to look nonchalant as I hope to talk myself into a gig. I haven't played live since college, but I'm anxious to get back into it now that there might be a chance to do it. Recruiting others to play will be interesting, but I think I can swing it.

"Really?" Mike appreciates me and then nods. "Let's try it. We'll start next month. We'll do a different genre of show every Saturday night. We'll start with rock. I think this group has a good enough draw that we can bring them back."

I look around at the night's crowd. It's busy enough that Mike and Eric seem satisfied that live music has potential and I smile at the idea that I might get to play piano live once more. Out of the corner of my eye I see a figure jump on to the stage with the band as they gear up for their next set. It's your husband and I start craning my neck to see if you're there.

But you're not.


	9. Equal

I go to Jacob's gig on campus. Though I went to the same school that he did, it's like we're having two completely different experiences. He knows so many people here, whereas I tended to stick close to the my department. I only see a couple of faces that look familiar and, even then, I'm not sure of names. I realize that most of the people I would have known have probably already graduated. Jacob, on the other hand, can't make it up to the stage without stopping to talk to several people.

I stand off to the side, nursing an iced coffee. I meet all of the band members beforehand; I already knew Quil and Embry, but this is the first time I'm meeting Leah and her brother Seth. Leah is a senior while Seth is a freshman. Seth plays drums while Jacob is on the base and Quil and Embry play guitar. Their old bass player, Sam, stands at the back of the crowd with his new girlfriend, Emily. Jacob introduces me to both of them before Seth and Leah arrive; once the band is on stage, I notice the couple move farther back, under the trees. I see Leah shoot both of them a look of nothing short of pure "Fuck You" before starting in on the opening song, a cover of a classic break-up song.

When the show is done, we all head to Newton's to celebrate. Leah sulks most of the time and the boys just ignore her. She buys her brother beers even though he's underage while Jacob and his friends nurse shots of whiskey. After a while, Jacob's burned through his cash and he asks for my debit card. Apparently, we've picked up the tab for everyone tonight. Super.

When I go to the restroom, I notice flyers for Newton's upcoming Saturday night live shows. Each week is a different genre and they're looking for acts to play. I grab the flyer and show it to Jacob, who then starts planning more gigs with The Pack.

"I guess you're part of the band now?" I ask him later, when we're getting ready for bed.

"Um, yeah. I was going to talk to you about it. They need a bass player on a temporary basis. Leah's graduating and they're not sure what they're going to do after the summer. Since we're all still in school, we will only be able to rehearse a couple of nights a week. I hope that's okay."

"What about summer classes?"

"Hey, this will only be a couple of nights every week or so. I'm on track to finish next year. You know that."

"If Leah graduates, will you all need a new singer?"

"Yeah, that's not really my decision. They're not sure what they're going to do after the summer."

I roll my eyes. It feels like he doesn't want me to be a part of this. Like he's happy having this thing without me. I get it. We all need our own things to make us individuals, but he's making decisions on his own, without my input. It bothers me.


	10. Opportunities

I'm jazzed when I discover that Jasper can play guitar. He shows me a couple of YouTube videos for teaching kids to play guitar he did with a buddy and we start talking music for the rest of the week. I tell him about the potential for gigs at Newton's on Friday while we 're having lunch with our girlfriends.

"What kind of music are you thinking about doing?" Alice asks, picking at her salad.

"Jazz, mostly. My mom is a trained jazz pianist and that's the style she taught me. I played in college too, but that was mostly for fun. We did a few open mic nights, but nothing organized or consistent."

"Really? Sounds fun." Tanya says, smiling at me, putting her hand on my arm.

"It was. I've missed it since I graduated, but working just made it too hard to commit to anything. But this gig would be once a month. That's manageable, I think. Rehearse once a week at least?" I look at Jasper.

"Sure. We still need some other pieces. Some wind instruments, a saxophone at the very least. Preferably a stand-up bass, but, if not, an electric bass. Drums. A singer."

"I don't sing," I laugh. "Okay, I'll amend that: I can sing, but I'm not going to. I don't like playing and singing at the same time."

Alice takes a bite and then pops up with an idea that has her talking with her mouth full. "I know a great singer! My friend Bella. Wonderful singer. She was in a band in college, I think."

Suddenly I want this more than anything.

"So where should we start looking for a saxophonist?"


	11. New

Between rehearsing and school, Jacob has gotten busier. When he is not busy, he is super attentive. He takes me out on a date every week, usually to dinner, sometimes a movie, and other times inviting friends over for poker. He even accompanies me to my audition for the jazz band that Alice told me about.

"Jasper and Edward are both a part of it," she told me, excited. "I hope you can try out. I've heard the guys all play together and they're amazing. You would just be icing on the cake."

Alice's enthusiasm is infectious; I am excited about the audition. We are here with one other girl, the bassist's girlfriend, trying out to sing with the ensemble. Her name is Charlotte; her short, cropped hair reminds me so much of Alice, but she is infinitely quieter until she starts to sing. Her voice is full of personality.

Jacob whispers to me, "She's not right for this. Her voice is too big for the music and for the venue. You're much more suited to this." He puts his hand on mine. As the ensemble finishes the number, I see you turn toward the audience and frown when you see Jacob's hand on mine. I pull my hand away and give you a small smile. I see Jacob's puzzled look out of the corner of my eye and I stand up quickly. I pull the sheet music out of my bag and start toward the stage.

When I heard about the chance to sing with a jazz ensemble, I instantly knew what song I wanted to do: "You Don't Know Me." Something about that song just called to me.

_No, you don't know the one_

_Who dreams of you at night_

_And longs to kiss your lips_

_And longs to hold you tight_

_Oh I'm just a friend_

_That's all I've ever been_

_'Cause you don't know me_

When I finish the song, everyone claps, even Charlotte. Her boyfriend Peter and a couple of the other guys in the ensemble reach over to pat me on the back and shake my head. You, on the other hand, just sit, looking stunned, green eyes wide.

"That was beautiful," you say softly.

I smile wide. Your praise means more to me than any of the others, even Jacob, who wraps me in a big hug. As he spins me around, I look at you. Just you.


	12. Eyes

After our first rehearsal, I have to go home and jerk off. The image of you, sultry in a pair of old jeans and concert t-shirt, has me in a position I'm not accustomed to. I don't do this. I'm a serial monogamist. My eyes don't drift.

Tanya calls me before and after rehearsal, but I tell her I don't feel well so I can have the evening to myself.

I sit on my apartment's balcony, a bottle of vodka next to me and a shot glass in my hand. I've already poured three shots and now I'm contemplating a fourth while I'm staring out into the city lights. Every time I close my eyes, I see you traveling the stage, contemplating how to perform whatever song we're rehearsing. I hear you, how your voice trails on certain notes, milks others. You're a bombshell and, the funny thing is, you seem completely unaware of it.

I also see him. Your husband. He sits in the audience with other significant others and friends. He watches you. It's almost possessive and it makes me uncomfortable. It's like he's seen whatever this is between us. I feel guilty just looking at him. I want to tell him that I'm not this guy. I'm not a guy who looks at a married woman. Yet, that's exactly what I am doing.

I'm stuck. I know what I _should _do: stay away from you. I know what I _want _to do, but that crosses a line that I'm not sure I can cross. I think of my mother and father, of their smiles, their touches, the love they so purposefully demonstrated in front of my sister and I when we were growing up. My mother said she wanted us to see what a marriage should look like, what we should strive for when we're older. I see Rosalie and Emmett carrying on their legacy. I know my sister might act like a snotty brat sometimes, but she loves Emmett with all of her heart. I see it in the way she looks at him and the way he smiles at her. I know I want that for myself.

I don't see that when I see you and your husband. Granted, it's probably because I _don't _want to see it there so I can't trust myself to be totally honest. But I don't see that equality. I don't see that intensity when the two of you look at each other.

But I feel it when I look at you. And I know I need to tread lightly.


	13. Dress

"I'm so jazzed about your show tonight!" Jacob says, grinning at me while I'm getting dressed.

I roll my eyes at his lame joke and then laugh when he air-riffs pretend cymbals. "Yeah, I'm pretty jazzed myself. But I really don't know what to wear!"

Jacob comes and stands next to me, pulling me to him. He kisses me with all sorts of promise laden in the slow movement of his lips and the tightness of his grip on my body. I lean into him, fighting with myself about how I feel. At once this is familiar and unwanted. I love Jacob and I care about him, but I sometimes worry that the fire I feel here is more his than mine. If I can look at you the way that I want to, and have in private moments, what sort of feelings do I have for my husband? Doesn't he deserve more from me than this conflicted set of emotions? Doesn't he deserve my whole? I feel like I'm loving him with only part of my heart, like my battery was wearing down and I wasn't sure how to power it back up to fully charged.

While we're standing there in the closet, Jacob reaches over my head and pulls out a dress. It is grey and looks like a series of bandages woven across the body. I hadn't worn that yet, but I remembered picking it out. It was after the second time you and I had had lunch. I had taken a half-day from work because my boss was out of town. I had lunch as usual and ran into you again. This time I was reading a bodice-ripper, one that Alice had lent me. It was based on some fanfiction, but it was actually much better than the original. I liked how spunky and fun Chloe Mills was. Jacob always liked it when I read books like that because we usually ended up in bed. However, I didn't have lunch with him; I had lunch with you.

When you sat down, I had just finished a rather steamy scene and it took me a moment to focus on what you were saying. I was uncomfortable all of a sudden. Really uncomfortable. I watched you talk, the way your lips moved, the peek of supple muscle under your rolled-up sleeves. I liked the way you rubbed the back of your neck with your hand while you were concentrating on the story you were telling. I think I might have been staring at you and probably with some intensity.

"You're quiet today."

"Am I?" I blush. "I'm sorry. It's been a long week."

"For me too. I'm ready for some shots."

"That sounds fun. It usually always ends badly for me."

"Why?" you look puzzled.

"You know. Hangover, uber-clutziness, crazy antics. Just so much fun."

"It sounds like it." You smile like you can't wait to see it. Like you want to see what I could get myself into.

I feel like I could get drunk with you and feel safe from anything ending up on Facebook or YouTube. The discomfort returned when you rubbed your neck again.

I bought the grey dress thinking of you.


	14. Blues

I'm so glad Tanya is here tonight. I'm so glad Jacob is here tonight. I'm so glad there are at least a hundred people at Newton's tonight. When you walk in, wearing that dress, with red patent leather heels and your hair in long, just-brushed waves, I'm so glad that there are so many people I know here. If my parents were here, it would be even better because not only would my mind behave, but my body would as well.

When you take the stage, I think pretty much every man in the joint is ogling you. When you begin to sing, I think I hear the audible pop of jaws dropping. I see more than one woman cross her arms in annoyance at your obvious appeal. The others are enthralled by the deep feeling in your performance. My body reacts with each movement of your body, as you wind around the stage. At one point, you turn around to me and the boys to count off for the next number and you give me the biggest smile I have ever seen on your face. You look like you want to fly and I want to fly with you.

My body. My body just wants to do other things with you. On the ground. In a bed. Up against a wall. On a sofa. I focus so hard on my piano keys that I feel like my face in frozen in place. I gave Tanya a small smile when I can, but she looks oblivious to my discomfort. I'm sure she thinks it's just nerves. I know it's something else. It's you.

Your husband sits in the audience with a smirk. He smacks his friends on the arm a couple of times when they make remarks to him, but I can tell he's proud. What's more, though, I notice that it's not just the two guys I recognize with him, but another younger guy and a woman. The woman sits next to him and she looks at him in a way that he obviously doesn't recognize, but I do. She likes him. He's not paying a bit of attention to that, though. He's only looking at you. Just like every other man in the bar.

When our set is done, the audience breaks out into hearty applause. You run from bandmate to bandmate, kissing each one on the cheek. When you get to me, you kiss me quickly, but I feel your hand grip mine for just a second before you turn to acknowledge the applause.


	15. Unexpected

The Pack has managed to get an out-of-town gig, thanks to Sam and Emily. They got the band into a local music festival near Sam's hometown, which is also where Seth and Leah are from. Jacob, Quil, and Embry want to go to the festival too so they all drive together for a four day weekend before classes start.

I had planned to go with them, but that Monday I start showing signs of a pretty nasty sinus infection, which then turns into an ear infection. By Thursday, my stiff upper lip has turned into a bawling mess at the doctor's office as I await a prescription. Jacob stays away from me, sleeping in the guest room and keeping me at arm's length. I can't blame him; he does have a big opportunity coming up this weekend, but I can't help feeling punier because he's not nursing me through this.

After my doctor's visit and a trip to the pharmacy, Jacob tucks me into bed, hands me my antibiotic, and sets the TV remote, a glass of water, and my phone next to my side of the bed. He gives me a kiss on the forehead, grabs his duffel bag, and waves as he turns off the light. I hear the door close behind him and I sink down into the bed, falling instantly to sleep.

The next day is spent on the sofa. I manage to shower and dress, though I only make it as far as the sofa after that. After a couple of doses of the antibiotic, I feel more human and even make myself some ramen since I haven't eaten anything in more than twenty-four hours. Alice is continually texting me, asking for updates and offering to bring over food. I deflect her, not wanting to get anyone else sick. I'm a loner when I get sick, though I do appreciate some affection to help with the fatigue. Jacob's habit of staying away when I get sick always disappoints me.

I'm more than surprised when I hear a knock on the door. I expect it to be Alice, who very characteristically would have not have listened to me at all and would be invading my apartment to feed me and keep me entertained now that the weekend was here. Instead, I open the door to bronze hair and green eyes.

"Edward!" I say. I'm so surprised I'm not even sure what expression I'm wearing. Mortified is probably the best description. No makeup, slouchy clothes, dark circles. Yep, mortified.

"Alice told me you were sick. I brought you some soup to help you feel better."

"Soup?" I'm having a hard time getting my mouth and brain to work together.

"Soup and a terrible movie." You hold up the case for a movie we talked about in a previous conversation. It's not actually a terrible movie, but you had always joked that it was.

As I pop "When Harry Met Sally" into the DVD player, I look over to see you walking in with an oversized mug of soup. You make me sit down and then you hand me the mug and a spoon. You put down a beer and then sit on the other end of the sofa.


	16. Emotions

I want to sit next to you. I want to sit right there and have you lean into me as we watch this movie. I want to put my hand on yours. I'm tired of this uncertainty, of trying to figure out how to do this that I'm tempted to do something rash, like kiss you. But I know that would be so many levels of bad, inappropriate, and many other things that I know my parents would say to me. I think of Carlisle and Esme and how I would feel if someone tried to kiss my mother. I'm so glad my mom and dad prepared me for what to expect in marriage. I wish they had prepared for me how to handle these grey areas.

Except this is not a grey area. You're married. You belong to someone else. I can be your friend, but my feelings are irrelevant. Right?

I picked the worst movie for this night. I thought it would be funny to comment on the conundrums that the characters face, how cell phones and the Internet make most of this irrelevant, but it's not true. In the end, it may have taken them a long time to figure out what's going on, but, in the end, they still cared about each other. They fell in love. Just like I'm falling in love.

With a married woman.

When the movie is over, you look tired, but you chat with me for a little while afterward anyway. About ten, I try to make a graceful exit, but you won't let me leave without a hug. Your arms circle me and you pull me down to your height.

"Thank you," you mumble into my shoulder. "I had a good time."

"You're welcome. I hope you feel much better soon."

You smile and close the door behind me. This is torture. Absolute torture. The only sane thing to do is stay away. Limit how many times I see you. Try to act like a professional when we're at rehearsal. Immerse myself in my girlfriend. Be a grown-up.

But just the thought of it all breaks my heart. It breaks my heart to think that I can't get to know you better. I feel like pretty much any scenario where you're not in love with me too is going to break me.


	17. Birthday

September is the month I hate. For one, it's my birthday, which I wish people didn't know and, for another, it's the beginning of a new semester. Jacob stays preternaturally busy because classes have started and he has started senior year, which means projects and homework en masse. Since his focus is mechanical engineering, especially automobiles, he spends more time with cars and talking about cars than I have ever thought about them. The fact that I just bought whatever car I could afford when my truck died after college still drives him nuts.

Between rehearsals, school, and work, both of us are like ships passing in the night. We try to program in time for each other, watching a movie here, going out to dinner there, but we can't escape how busy we've become. My work picks up as the local school systems start shopping for educational technology and I'm suddenly in charge of designing the seminars to teach high school teachers how to use our products. I forget it's my birthday until Jacob brings it up.

"I'm really sorry about your birthday," he says at dinner one night. His advisor wants him to travel for a conference that weekend. It's a last-minute thing, but Jacob wants to take it since he'll get to present on his senior project's proposal. How can I say no? I hate my birthday anyway. I'm still disappointed that he won't be here to help me mock it all at least.

I'm picking at my dinner, looking down at my plate. "You know how much I hate celebrating it anyway. I'll stay in this weekend, get caught up on housework and bills. We desperately need to go to the grocery store." The sad-looking bagged dinner was all I had on hand and I was growing tired of takeout.

"You could always call Alice and go out for a girls' night." Jacob suggests helpfully.

"Um, no. By the time we're done, I'll be sporting a pink tiara in a restaurant full of people singing to me. I'll pass. She always wants to overdo things."

Jacob laughs and gets up. He cleans off his plate, puts it in the dishwasher, and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Off to study" I hear as he closes the door to our office. Well, boo.

Alice and I text back and forth about the weekend. She knows it's my birthday, but she promises to keep it low-key as I cave about having dinner with her on Saturday evening.

_Dinner and maybe a drink. That's it._

_Oh, Bella, you're such a stick. Yes, you and me. Dinner and a drink. Can I at least get you a present?_

_I guess, A. It's no biggie. I'm not wanting for anything._

_Whatever, B. Just smile and play along. We'll have fun._

Dinner and a drink turns into shooting pool at Newton's. I'm still nursing my first beer when you walk in with Jasper. _Dammit, Alice._ I can't help feeling a little excited.


	18. Festivities

Though we've been playing once a month and rehearsing once a week or so for almost six months, I feel like it's been forever since I really talked to you. After the movie, I kept my distance. I've spent as much time with Tanya as I could, but she started the hovering and dropping hints again so I had to back off. I like her, but I don't want to move in with her, even though she clearly wants to move in with me. I feel her growing restless and I'm not sure what to do next.

Walking into Newton's with Jasper, I should have known you would be with Alice. Your smile is small and shy while Alice embraces Jasper in a gigantic body hug that smacks of sex and reeks of tequila.

"Shots?" I smirk at you when you move to take your next shot.

"Alice only. I'm the designated driver." You take the shot and watch in disappointment as the balls rebound off of each other and Alice's lands in the pocket.

"Score!" she shouts and I see your shoulders slouch.

"Well, shit." You swig your beer and Jasper laughs.

"I don't think pool is your strong suit, Bella."

"Thanks, Jasper. This is why I don't drink much. It just gets worse with alcohol."

"Oh, Bella, it's your birthday. Let me buy you a shot!" Alice says loudly. The people at the table next to us stare as you brush by me to sit.

"Um, I think you've had enough shots for the both of us, A."

"It's your birthday?" I ask stupidly.

"Yeah," you say. "Yay."

"Where's your husband?"

"Out of town, at a mechanical engineering conference."

"Well, that was lame of him."

"Meh, it's a good opportunity. Plus I hate my birthday."

Now that's a challenge. I decide to change your mind about that.


	19. Everything

We close the place down. At two, the bartender, Ben, chases us away, while Angela begins cleaning up behind us. Alice is so drunk that I know I'm going to hear about it tomorrow. Thankfully, Jasper is here to take her home. We help get her in his car and then you offer to walk me to my car.

"Oh, I don't have my car."

"But you said you were the designated driver?"

"Yeah, I was going to drive Alice home if she wanted me to or let her sleep over. But we walked here from my apartment. I live too close to actually drive."

"Did you enjoy your birthday?"

I smile. It's one I save for special people. It's small, but warm and glowing. "Yeah, I think I did. Alice gave me a present, which I told her not to do, but I always appreciate gift cards for coffee. But the best part was shooting pool with you guys. Low key is better. Jake tries to make a big deal about it, which I appreciate because he's sincere – Alice is the same way – but I prefer a couple of friends and something quiet."

"So you're not mad I had the entire bar since 'Happy Birthday' to you?"

I laugh and then look up at you. "Strangely, no. I actually kind of liked it." I see your smile, which was smaller at first, but now it's wider and you're looking at me straight on. We stop to climb the stairs to my apartment. On the bottom step, you turn to me and I reach out to touch your face.

I'm surprised at myself. I want you to put your hand on top of mine, but you don't. You look like you're struggling, but you behave.

"Thank you for thinking of me like that. The song and the movie and the soup. I appreciate you doing all of that." I smile at you again.

You smile and we continue up the stairs to my apartment. At the front door, I reach for my key and unlock the deadbolt and the knob before stopping and dropping my arms to my side, exasperated. I'm so tired of this.

What happens next is so quick that I swear I would never have believed it happened if it hadn't happened to me. I reach up, my hands on either side of your face, and I kiss you. I linger on your lips for a couple of seconds, longer than just a peck, and with the implicit desire for longer.

After a beat, you look at me, eyes wide. My lower lip trembles and my eyes start to swim with tears. "I'm sorry," I whisper.

"You're drunk," you say, your voice hoarse. My desire for you weighs heavily on my heart. I think I see the same in you.

"No, I'm not." And I open and close the door to my apartment behind me, softly and slowly. I hear you lean against the door and I start to sob.


	20. Changes

Tanya and I go out to dinner the next day. It's Sunday and I'm so tired it's clear that I'm completely out of it. I couldn't sleep the night before, parsing over the kiss. You kissed me. _You _kissed **me**. I didn't initiate it. I didn't kiss you back, as much as I wanted to. You put your hands on my face and your lips touched mine. My girlfriend puts her hand on mine and speaks my name.

"I'm sorry, Tanya. I didn't sleep well last night." I smile at her. She smiles back.

"Edward, I need to talk to you." Tanya goes into her shpeal, a little speech she's obviously been thinking about. She tells me how much she's enjoyed spending time with me, how glad she is that we got along so well, especially with her sister Kate, who can be kind of a hard-ass. But it was time for her to move on. She tells me she's up for promotion at work and to get it she'll have to work extra hard for the next few months. Because of that, she needs to focus on her needs now and blah, blah, blah. It's fine. I'm not upset. I touch her strawberry blonde hair and smile. I kiss her forehead and then her lips and assure her that I'm okay.

I'm not okay, but I'm okay with this end. This is a good end, so much better than some of the others I have had.

She pays for dinner and then returns with me to my apartment to pick up things she has left there. After gathering her things, I give her a hug and tell her that I'm glad we spent so much time together. I'm glad I know the difference between what she and I had and what I could have with you. I know to go for the butterflies.

I think of the kiss, our kiss, and I think of my parents and their love. And I hope against hope, knowing how wrong it was to hope for the end of something like a marriage, but how much more of a beginning that really would be. I find myself wanting things with you, daring to think of things that I could have. A life I had always put off thinking about until later. I'll think about marriage later. I'll think about children later. No one had inspired me to think about it all. It was just something I'd assumed would happen when I was grown up.

I dared to allow myself to think about it all now. Just for a little while, I told my heart, let's just think about it for this little bit of day and then I'll put it away. I'll put my heart away for now.

Then it occurs to me that I have no idea what you're thinking. Sure, you kissed me, but was it the same for you? Was I mistaking all of the looks, the remarks, the small touches, for something else? Were you just teasing me, using me to get your husband's attention? The way he looked at you, though, that didn't seem necessary, but I couldn't shake the doubt.

In my wallet, though, is a little piece of paper. It's an IOU you wrote on a receipt, when I paid for your dinner after a rehearsal one night. You wrote 'IOU' and 'Don't worry; I'll pay you back -B' with a winky smiley face and a little heart. I remember you giving that to me and squeezing my hand, that smile on your face.


	21. Uncertainty

I didn't sleep well. I spent most of the night thinking about what I had done and then sobbing some more. Because I kissed you. Because I want to kiss you more. Because I'm married. Because I'm not being fair to my husband. Because I feel like I need to tell him. Because I'm scared to death about how to do that. Parents don't teach you how to do this. Life doesn't teach you how to do this.

I'm mortified and, at the same time, relieved. Kissing you felt like something natural, like I should have done it before. I wanted to do it again. At least I knew this much about myself. Self-awareness was better than denial, right? I wanted to call my mother and get her advice, but I was sure she would be disappointed in me. She liked Jacob. She and my dad were divorced for a long time before she found Phil. My dad was still single after all of this time, married to his job as a police officer.

I think about calling Alice, but I don't want her to talk to Jasper about this. I don't want you to think that I regret the kiss. Wait, I don't regret the kiss? My heart stubbornly defies my head and affirms that sentiment. I bury my head in my pillow and fight back the tears. I'm so tired of crying.

When my mother started dating Phil, who is several years younger than she is, I teased her about the age difference. She looked at me very seriously and said, "You can't help who you fall in love with, Bella." It appears she was right. Since Jacob and I had known each other for so long, growing up together, friends from childhood, and then lovers in college, I had never questioned our relationship. I had never looked at another guy. I don't remember if any other guys had ever looked at me or flirted with me. Jacob was always there. We cared about each other. We loved each other. It wasn't until I met you that I had ever questioned anything.

I had never understood the concept of being attracted to someone from the get-go. Love at first sight was something in books and movies, a trope that I had assumed explained lust. I was wrong. Love at first sight is what I would call this feeling of belonging with that person. You make me feel like I'm at home, at peace. I don't feel self-conscious around you. When I kissed you, it was like I was meant to do that. We fit together.

It scares me to death. That fit means that everything I have is false. That the marriage license I signed is a trap. That the love I feel for Jacob is not this love. If my feelings for you are greater than my feelings for my husband, what does that mean for Jacob? What do I do with this commitment that we've made to each other?

I decide not to tell Jacob straightaway. I need to figure this out. I decide not to see you for a while either. I need to figure this out. I call Alice and tell her what happened. I ask her to give you a message.

"Tell him that I don't regret this kiss, but I need to figure some things out."

"Bella, I don't want to get in the middle of this."

"Just tell him, please. I won't speak of this again."

Then Jacob walks in and I have to find a way to gather myself. Am I capable of this façade?


	22. Reigns

Alice calls me. She tells me what you said and I agree to listen to you and give you some space. I talk to Jasper and we both agree to find a substitute singer for the time being.

I'm so worried now that I'm tied in knots. Have you told him? How did he react? Was he angry? Of course, he would be angry. I would be too. Was he a grown-up about it? Did he act rashly? It's not like I can call or text you. I guess I could email you, but

The next few weeks are torturous. As the weather changes to fall, I find myself dressing in black, mourning the absence of color in my days. I stand on your street sometimes, watching the place where you would turn to go to your apartment. I watch for you, hoping to catch a glimpse.

When I do, you are bundled up, much like I am. I see the pale, haggard line of your jaw. I see the dark circles under your eyes. I see the sunshine has turned to dusk. I swear one day you look straight at me and I hope you know I'm there, waiting for you.

I'm standing there again, on a Tuesday. I see you come down, walking toward the parking lot where I'm standing. I realize this is where you park your car, but it seems like you veer ever so slightly toward me, a note in your hand. I take the note and I see you look back at me. I start walking quickly away from the corner, hoping that your husband is not too far behind you so he doesn't see me standing there, see our exchange.

I unfold the note. It's hastily scribbled, but it's your handwriting nevertheless.

_Meet me at St. Joe's Café._

_I'll be sitting in the back. _

_Lunchtime._

_-B_

St. Joe's is a little café near around the corner from the deli we've eaten at. It's away from the street and is known for the Irish fare it serves. I kiss the note and put it in my wallet. On my way to work, I'm thinking about things I can do to make you feel better, but would evade detection by your husband. I decide to make it a thing you can hold on to even if you're simply trying to tell me goodbye.


	23. Inner

Before lunch, I go into the ladies' room to pee and to check myself in the mirror. What I see is a mess. Dark circles, paler than usual, hair droopy. I still see her in there, though, the Bella that I can be. I haven't been fair to Jacob or you. I haven't told either of you enough of the truth. I haven't given you enough information to allow you to make your own decisions about the directions of your lives. You deserve better than I've given you. I'm going to make that right.

I eat before you get here. I know that if I don't, I won't be able to eat while I talk to you and I feel like I needed to say what I needed to say and go. I couldn't linger because, if I did, I might do something else that puts you in an awkward position. You are already in enough of one.

When you sit down, I realize that you look as bad as I do. It shocks me to see you look so unhappy. You looks like you have lost weight, as I know I have. You haven't shaven in a couple of days and your hand is cold when you reach across to touch mine.

"I've been worried about you."

Dear God, I want to cry. I want your reassurance and to give you more in return. I want to take that kiss to a level that would surprise you. My heart begins to race and I have to pinch my nose to calm down.

"I'm sorry about this. I'm not sorry I kissed you; I'm sorry about cutting communication with you and about dropping out of the band."

"It's understandable. Really, I'll do whatever I can for you –"

I hold up my hand. "Please. I need to say this and then I need to leave."

You stop and look solemn. "All right."

I tell you what I need to do. I lay it all on the line. I'm going to tell Jacob. I'm going to figure out how I feel and then I will see what happens.

"I don't expect you to reciprocate or to wait for me. I don't expect anything from you. I just need you to know how I feel." I say, my hand on top of yours. You look down at it and then kiss it.

"I have feelings for you, Edward. Feelings that I didn't expect. I'm confused about how I feel about you and Jacob and what it all means. I –"

You hold up your hand this time. "Bella, I have feelings for you too."

I duck my head and smile a little. Okay, it's nice to know I'm not in this alone. "It's nice to know. But it doesn't change that I have to figure out my marriage first."

"Bella," you say. "Whatever you need to do. Don't worry about me. Just know I'll be thinking about you." And you hold out your hand, a little box in it.

"What is this?"

"This is for you. Keep it with you. I hope it brings you comfort." You kiss me on the forehead and then leave. Tears flow as I watch you walk out the door.


	24. Strength

The little box held a thumb drive. I had picked it up on my way to work that day, after you had given me the note. I go through my music, selecting song after song, melodies and lyrics to tell you what I couldn't at that moment.

How much I love you.

How much I want to protect you.

How much I need you.

How much you had changed my life in such a short time.

I tried not to make it about guilting you into choosing me. I just wanted to give you something that you could have to escape from this turmoil.

We have rehearsal the next day. Charlotte is your substitute and we all agree that we hope you'll come back to us. I sit closer to my piano, touching it at all times. When I go home, I sit on the piano bench, alone, and I touch the keys. I play all of the songs I know. I call my mother and ask her to email me arrangements that I haven't been brave enough to try because they always seemed too complex. She senses the turmoil in my voice, but I just tell her I'm having girl trouble and I'll explain to her later. Esme emails me a couple of arrangements and then I get a box the next day with more. She also includes my favorite snacks from my childhood and a note with lots of Xs and Os.

_I love you, my dear boy. The right love will find you when you least expect it._

Oh, how prescient my mother is. I wish I could tell her more, but I don't want to cry on the phone.

Jasper and the guys from the ensemble grab a drink with me, taking turns each night. Some nights we go to Newton's, others we find new bars to try. Just for the distraction. Just to get my mind off of things.

I think I see you one day, when I'm walking to lunch at that deli. I think I see you standing on a nearby corner. I think you wave to me and I wave back, but, when I look again, no one is there.


	25. Truth

Jacob is talking about Halloween costumes over dinner when I finally tell him I kissed you. He stops in the middle of a sentence and takes a bite. When he's done chewing, he puts his fork down and pushes his plate aside.

"Explain."

I tell him about my birthday, about walking home with you and then kissing you at our front door. I tell him how I kissed you, that you had nothing to do with it and that nothing had happened since then. I tell him that's why I had stopped performing with our jazz ensemble and that I have only spoken to you once since then, to tell you how confused I was by my feelings and that I wanted to work on my marriage.

"I've been trying to figure out the right way to tell you, Jake, since it happened. I figured that being honest was the best way to go about this."

"It's been a month, Bella. Is this why we haven't had sex in a month?"

I gasp when I realize that he's right. We haven't had sex since he had left for the conference the weekend of my birthday. "I guess I've been distracted."

"Did you have sex with him?"

"No, of course not. I just told you all I did was kiss him. I have feelings for him, Jacob. I'm trying to work out what that means."

His temper gets the best of him then and he starts to yell. I start to yell back. Trying to explain the best way I know how. Trying to assure him that I wasn't leaving him. Talking to him about how confused I was.

"Maybe we should go see a counselor, Jake. You know, to help us work this out." I plead with him.

"Why? I'm not the one with the problem. You are." He stomps back to our bedroom and slams the door.

An hour later, I sit on the sofa, waiting for him to cool down and to come back to talk to me. Instead, I hear clicking sounds coming from the bedroom. I get up and look down the hall to see him throwing my clothes out of the room. I run back there to stop him and he shoves me against the wall.

"I don't want you in my bed tonight. I don't even want to look at you." And he slams the door in my face again.


	26. Hurts

Alice just shakes her head.

"Edward, you know I can't tell you anything. Bella just wants her privacy right now. This is a difficult time."

"You're right. You're right. I know you're right." But it feels wrong. I feel impotent and helpless. I am not used to this.

The worst part are the dreams. I dream of you almost every night. Sometimes you're in distress and I am unable to rescue you, watching you fall out of my grasp. Other times, the dreams are so specific and so real that I wake up with my erection in my hand and have to relieve the pressure. I walk around in pieces. I keep to myself. I go to Newton's or wherever with friends, but I can't look at other girls. I can't even think of moving on. I don't know how.

I learn several new piano pieces, recording them for my mother and emailing them to her. She appears on my doorstep after the fifth one. I open the door to Esme Cullen, dark hair swept over one shoulder, holding a take-out bag of my favorite food, pad thai.

"I think we need to talk," she pushes me back into the apartment and sets the bag of food down on the counter. She starts gathering plates and checks my refrigerator for beer. She pops the top off of two Coronas and sits down with me. "Tell me."

"Promise me you won't judge?" I say, my eyes wary on hers.

"Edward, I'm your mother. I love you. I may not like everything you do – I have the right to do that as your mother and as a fellow human being – but I'm not naïve. Being an adult is about grey areas. Grey areas cause more heartache than anything else. I can tell yours is a big one."

So I tell her about you, what I know about you, what has happened between us. I tell her about my confusion about my feelings and what I should do about them. I tell her I want to do the right thing, but I am not sure what that is.

"You don't know what the right thing is because there is no right thing. There are only possibilities," she says. "There is the right thing for you and the right thing for her, but those aren't necessarily mutually inclusive or exclusive."

Perhaps that's why this has troubled me so much. Because I know what I want and what I should do, but that's all dependent on variables that are out of my control. In this case, my ability to act is limited and all I have left is to react.

"No one wants a marriage to end, but sometimes the end of one marriage is the beginning of something special. On the other hand, if she decides to stay with him, you now know what you're looking for. Now you know how I feel about your father and vice versa."

Real love, the kind my parents have, is no longer an abstract. It has form and function. I see what I have been missing from all of my other relationships. I only wish I knew what was next for me and for you. For us.


	27. Reality

"I'm going to stay with Quil and Embry." Jacob slams the front door behind him after throwing two large duffel bags out into the entryway. He's barely spoken to me in three days. He leaves after I get up. He locks the bedroom door when he's home. We never eat together anymore. Every day, I see a new box of stuff outside the guest bedroom door. Slowly, he's moving me out of the master bedroom. I'm angry that he won't talk about it. I leave him notes, asking him to meet me for lunch or to sit down with me at a certain time when I know we'll both be home. Anything to get past this. Anything to know what's next.

It's all to no avail. I start to wonder at what point I have to give up and let him come to me. I put out feelers at work for recommendations for counselors and go see one. I tell her about our past and our present. I tell her about you and the time we have spent together. I get to the kiss and listen to her feedback. It's a great help to talk to someone who is outside of all of this. This perspective is nice. She tells me to be patient and to let Jacob communicate with me on his terms. He's angry, she says, which is understandable. It will pass, though, she assures me, and then gives me ways to cope with the wait.

Jacob stays with Quil and Embry for a month. He finishes up his semester and tells me he's going home for Christmas. Usually we go together, but he requests that I not go this year. He wants to be with his family in Forks without me or even the chance of running into me. I make plans to see Renee and Phil in Florida.

At Christmas, I go with my mother to the mall. We see the lines of parents with their children waiting to visit Santa and my mother spots a friend of hers from work. She waits with her two girls, three and five. Mom and I stand in line while they visit with Santa and I joke that I want to sit on Santa's lap myself. My mother looks at me in all seriousness and says, "Go ahead."

Here I am, a twenty-something sitting on Santa's lap. For a moment, he looks suspicious and then he sees my face. He must have seen something in my expression that made him stop and smile warmly. "What would you like for Christmas, young lady?"

I've been thinking about this the whole time we've been standing in line. As an adult, I want for nothing. I didn't need a new smartphone or jewelry or anything like that. I ask for the one thing I really want. I whisper, "I would like my heart back."

Santa smiles and I stand up, shaking his hand and saying "Thank you." My mother hugs me off to the side and we go on with our shopping. When I flip a quarter into the fountain, I wish you a Merry Christmas and wake up Christmas morning dreaming of your green eyes.


	28. Sucks

My mother has apparently apprised my sister of the goings-on in my life because Rosalie greets me with a big, teary hug. It's rare that she gets so emotional, but I'm sure the fact that she's knocked up has something to do with it. Emmett just shakes my hand and gives me a bro-hug (shoulder to shoulder, slap on the back) and then we talk about superficial things. It's nice to have a break from the heavy.

I had stopped asking Alice weeks ago for updates, but she texts me using Jasper's phone. She wishes me a Merry Christmas and says that you wish me one as well. _Thank you for the present_, she tells me on your behalf. I wonder if you've gotten any benefit from it, but I know I can't ask. It's all so depressing, these thoughts, but I'm giving myself time to work through it all. This didn't all happen overnight and it won't go away in a short time either. Emmett distracts me with video games while we hang out at my parents' for the holidays.

My father, the doctor extraordinaire, wrangles Christmas Day off. He's not on call and he's not doing rounds, a minor miracle considering his schedule since we all moved out and he became principle partner at his practice. We all go out in the snow, doing silly things we once did as kids. We build a snowman and do a little tobogganing. Emmett and Dad pummel me with snowballs and Rosalie makes impressions in the snow with her burgeoning stomach. My mother makes us hot toddies and organizes a family concert for the neighbors. It's a happy Christmas all told, even with the dark clouds I bring with me.

My mother has been kind enough not to tell my father all of the gory details so instead he grills me one night as we watch the fire slowly go out. Everyone else has gone to bed so it's just the two of us. I find myself unable to sleep most nights and Dad's body clock is set to surviving on whatever sleep he can get. We talk for hours about you and the kiss and everything else that has come with it.

"So you're in limbo now. You feel unable to move forward or go back, right?"

I nod and take another swig of the scotch he poured me. It burns going down and the burn deflects from the constant knot in my gut.

"She'll let you know soon, Edward. She sounds like someone who is honest and wouldn't leave you wondering for too long. Give her some time, son. She sounds like she's in a bad place."

You are in a bad place. I'm in a bad place too, but I'm not married. The knot gets tighter as I take the last swig of scotch and thank him for the talk. I go to bed and dream of you again. This time, we are kissing and you fall through the ground we are standing on. I watch you descend into oblivion, arms flailing, trying to grab me or anything to stop your fall. I feel you slip through my fingers and awake with a jerk. It takes me a long time to get back to sleep.


	29. Surprises

New Year's Eve, Jacob returns to our apartment from Forks. I've been home for a couple of days. Renee and Phil had insisted I stay longer, but the happiness they radiated was hard to stomach at times. I am happy for my mother, of course, but their presence is just too much at this moment.

My stocking, though, had a little heart-shaped rock, smooth with polishing, two colors – green and brown – shooting throughout. I laugh because my mother must have heard what I said to Santa and I give her a huge hug of goodbye before I head toward security at the airport.

I expect Jacob to be angry still and to ignore me, but, instead, he sits down next to me. He asks me about my holidays and I ask him the same, inquiring about all of the family still in Forks. We talk about my time with my mother. We talk about the gifts we received and the differences between holidays in Washington State and holidays in Florida.

"We need to talk, Bella," Jacob says softly and I brace myself for whatever it is. Had he decided to work things out, to go to counseling with me? Was it something more radical than that? What he says next is the last thing I would have ever expected to come out of his mouth.

"I kissed Leah – twice. Actually she kissed me the first time and then I kissed her the second time."

My jaw drops with an audible pop. I scoot away from him and look at him incredulously. "When?"

"The first time was after rehearsal one night this summer. You weren't there, obviously. She and I had had a couple of beers and she reached over and kissed me."

"And the second time?"

"That was when we went out of town to perform in that festival."

"Had you been drinking?"

"No." He looks down at his hands. "I'm really sorry about everything I've put you through these last few weeks. I've been a gigantic hypocrite. I was so mad at myself when you told me about kissing Edward. I was mad because I hadn't had the balls to tell you about that first. Instead, I just got angry about you kissing him, like that was way worse. The madder I got at myself, the madder I got at you."

Angry tears sting my eyes. I am sobbing before I know it. I want to pummel him with the book lying on the coffee table. I want to smother him with the pillow that sat between us on the sofa. All that he put me through in these last few weeks, the blame he had laid on me, the anger he had hurled at me. All of the angst I had put on myself for my actions. All of the self-flagellating I had done for my moment of weakness. All of it was because he hadn't been able to own up to his own mistakes. I had even chided myself for all of the anger at him and his lagging behind in school or spending our money in silly ways. It was all for naught. Both of us had made mistakes, but only one of us had been punished for it.

I get up and run to the guest bedroom. I slam the door over and over again. I hurl clothes at the walls and scream. I cry. Jacob does not knock on the bedroom door. He has the good sense to stay out of my way the next morning as I march off to work, flipping him off as I slam the front door behind me.


	30. Await

From: bellafulloftreble

To: edwardcullen

Subject: Hi!

Good morning, Edward! I hope you are well. Perhaps we can talk soon?

-B

I sit back in my chair at work. It's my first Monday back after the holidays. I've never taken this much time off, but I actually took two whole weeks off and decided to come back after New Year's. This is the last thing I expected to see in the hundreds of emails I accrued while I was gone. The email is dated this morning so you must have sent it right when you got to work. Your email address makes me smile. Then the grey dress and red heels come back to my mind and I immediately pull up my latest project. I really need to get rid of this distraction in my pants.

But I'm finding it hard to concentrate. I'm wondering what you want to talk about. I've been pretending you were with me over break. I know, I know, that is a bad idea. Unhealthy even. But I think of my life in terms of what I would do if I had someone like you in it. I'm a changed man. I am looking forward to having someone to share all of this with. Hopefully that will be you.

Before I left my parents' last week, my mother gave me some sheet music that I had asked for. The folder was thick and I knew she was trying to give me something to distract me during this uncertainty. In it, though, was a song I remembered her singing to my father some nights. I would wake up to go to the bathroom or to grab a glass of water and I would see them together. She would be playing softly, even though our bedrooms were far enough away that her piano never disturbed us. I would hear her sweet voice quietly crooning to my father. The looks she gave him were similar to those she would give Rosalie and I, wordless love that always had a kiss to accompany it. I was never embarrassed to have her kiss me like that, even when I was a teenager. Esme Cullen was nothing but love and brought it out in those around her.

My father, though, would always surprise me. As a doctor, I had seen my dad be intense and commanding. As a father, I had seen him disappointed, proud, and many other things, as my sister and I tested his patience. But, with my mother, I saw him melt. He gave her smiles and looks that I didn't know he was so capable of. Carlisle Cullen is not a hard man to know; he is communicative and caring, but he always seemed to hold his emotions close to the vest. With my mother, though, it was something else.

When I get home after a day of thinking about you and contemplating what lay ahead of me in our upcoming conversation, I go through the music and I see "For Once in My Life" laying on top. I think of you and hum the tune to myself. I have hope once again.

_For once I can say_

_This is mine, you can't take it_

_As long as I know I've got love_

_I can make it_

_For once in my life_

_I've got someone who needs me_


	31. Happiness

The anger and indignity subsides in phases. First, I stop flipping him off; mostly I do it to his back, but I satisfy my need to demonstrate my displeasure a couple of times during the week following his confession. Second, he goes with me to see my counselor. During the joint session, we iron a few things out, including what our options are for the future. Third, we switch bedrooms. He gives me the master bedroom back and he moves into the guest bedroom, which also happens to be our office. Throughout all of this, Jacob is still working on his senior project and still trying to graduate in a few months. I grudgingly admire his tenacity. He has every right to slack off because of the distractions our problems have become, but doesn't.

He quits The Pack soon after. He puts his bass away for now and we talk. When we are together, we talk honestly. We discuss our future plans, the things that each of us want from our lives. Then we admit some hard truths about ourselves.

I confess that I am not sure that he's my one anymore. I tell him that he deserves someone who looks at him as her sun, moon, and stars. I still love him, though; all of our years of friendship still mean so much to me. I'm not sure it's enough to sustain a marriage, though.

Jacob admits he's taken me for granted. He's acted immaturely at times and that it took my confession and his advisor's encouragement about his senior project to take a hard look at where he wants to go with his life. He apologizes for not confessing sooner and takes his kisses with Leah and my kiss with you as a sign of something. He loves me and he thinks he always will, but perhaps not in the way he needs to maintain this marriage. He still thinks I'm sexy, but he admits that his eyes have wandered more than he would like. His career aspirations have surprised him and he tells me he wants to pursue them.

We agree that a break might be the best thing for us. We both cry at the idea of not being together; I mean, we had been friends since we were little kids, playing in the mud, tooling around Forks. But we see our friendship becoming stronger. I want him to be happy and vice versa. If being happy means no longer being married to me, then so be it.

The day we go to the lawyer's office to start the paperwork, I'm sitting at work, listening to your thumb drive of music. I've kept it with me at all times, in a safe spot in my purse. I pop it in at work and I feel your presence around me. I rub the heart-shaped rock that Santa brought me in my stocking and I smile. It feels like things are falling place. I send you an email and hope that you'll meet me one day soon to talk. Being in your presence is the balm my heart needs right now.


	32. Begins

From: edwardcullen

To: bellafulloftreble

Subject: Let's talk

Good morning, Bella!

I'm glad to see your message in my inbox. Let's talk soon. How about Friday at St. Joe's?

Edward

* * *

I was at Newton's with Jasper and another buddy from work last week. Eric was there, hanging out at the bar, eyeing one of the waitresses, while we all chatted about pretty much nothing important. The waitress Eric was eyeing, Lauren, put her hand on my back when she was leaning across the bar to grab something and kept coming back to me personally to ask if I needed anything. At one point, she even handed me her phone number and winked. She was coming on strong and I watched her all night as she ignored Eric and ogled me. It was funny to watch, but the thing that struck me was that I wasn't the least bit tempted to follow up. In the old days, before I met you, I would have taken the phone number and contemplated calling her. I liked blondes. I throw some cash in the tip jar for Ben and hand Eric the phone number. Then I go home and read your last email one more time.

I'm prepared for whatever you give me at lunch. Whatever you tell me, I can handle it. I'm resolved that the best thing for you is to let you drive. If you say you want to continue your marriage, I'll move on.

But I really want you to pick me. Really, really, really.

I haven't stood on that street corner in a few weeks, but I decide to do that today. I see you come out. You're smiling. You look happier. Your hair is swept up into a bun and you're wearing red lipstick. You look hot. What does it mean for me? I see you run down the street toward the coffee shop on the corner. I start to walk toward my car.

You're smiling and I didn't see Jacob come down. I see you running, like a little girl excited about life. It's Friday. I'll see you at St. Joe's.

_Pick me, _my heart says.


	33. Sunshine

I'm nervous. Seriously nervous. And giddy. It's weird. Now that Jacob and I have worked things out and decided that a full break is the best thing for both of us, now that we have gotten past telling our families, filing the paperwork, and are in the process of separating our finances, I'm so relieved and scared at the same time.

The uncertainty of my future scares me just enough that I feel the thrill rather than the dread. It's like standing on the edge of a bridge before bungee jumping or the feeling in your stomach when you're at the top of the arc on a roller coaster. You see the way down is coming and your body is hovering just above it all before you drop. It's a thrill that some people can't handle. Even that briefest moment of uncertainty is too much.

I'm embracing it. I'm embracing the end of the life I've known in the hopes that it brings me to you.

I can't stop smiling. Everyone at work commented on it today. I haven't shared the specifics of my troubles with anyone there, but they all knew that I had been embroiled in something serious for a while now. The changes have brought my smile back and they're all feeding off the good vibes. When I slide my coat on to go to lunch, I spy the smiley face note that my friend Maggie has put on my door.

_Whoever has put this smile on your face is a keeper._

Her note goes in my wallet as I skip down the stairs to the street and try not to run to St. Joe's.


	34. Radiates

You're sitting there waiting for me when I walk in. I can see you're trying not to smile too big when I walk in, but your face is giving you away. I see it in the way your face creases around your eyes. You're blushing too. I answer your smile with one of my own and wave to you from the door. I walk back to you. You haven't ordered yet, presumably waiting for me.

You stand up, knocking your purse over and spilling some of its comments. "Dammit!" you say. "I was trying to be so cool today." You look up at me from where you're crouched on the floor picking up the spilled items. When you stand up and put your purse on the table, I smile at you. For a beat, we're just looking at each other, our eyes meeting. I'm looking in the depths of chocolate brown, searching, and you're looking right back.

"Hi," you say, breathless.

I grab you up into a bone-crushing hug, unsure if I can manage much more than just holding you. You smell like the most perfect perfume. You feel so warm in my arms. It's like heaven has come home to me.

When I put you down, you wipe a tear from your eye and reach up to wipe one from mine. You give me a kiss on the cheek.

"Let's order first and then we'll talk," you say. And though I'm not sure I care if I will ever eat again, I acquiesce. I touch your hand while we look at the menus. We start talking before the server even takes our orders and long past the hour both of us have for lunch.

You tell me about the weeks since we have seen each other, the realizations you've come to, the resolutions for all of your problems. Your divorce won't be final for two more weeks. Jacob is in the process of moving out, but is having a hard time finding something temporary. You're still seeing your counselor, trying to make sure you understand everything that has happened.

"I don't want to make the same mistakes again. I don't want to do anything like this in the next relationship. I hope the next one really is my forever."

I hold my breath. Is this it? Is this our moment? You look me in the eyes again, your hand covering mine.

"I want to be with you, Edward. I want to be your girl. Will you go out with me?"

I kiss your hand and then reach across to kiss your forehead. The answering smile is dazzling and I am dazzled, befuddled, and bewitched all at the same time.

"Is that a yes?"

"Yes."


	35. Resolution

Jacob, Quil, and Embry take out the last few boxes and load them on to a borrowed truck. Jacob gives me a big hug and I give him one right back.

"Take care of yourself, Bells."

"Ditto, Jake." I kiss him on the cheek. Our divorce was finalized legally yesterday. Jacob is moving in with Quil and Embry until the end of the semester. The apartment is mine alone now. Again with the scary thrills. I've never lived alone before.

Our first date is tomorrow, a Saturday. You've planned it for me, an evening full of surprises. I have no idea what we're doing so I pick out five different outfits tonight, a full twenty-four hours before the actual date. I eat my part of the dinner I've made; I sent the rest with Jacob so he and his friends would have something to eat tonight.

I'm sitting on the sofa in my own apartment. My name is Bella Swan again. I have the paperwork sitting on my desk in my office, ready to file on Monday. Alice has been begging to come over and hang out, trying to talk me into doing some serious redecorating. I do my best to hold her at bay and put off that part for as long as I can. It's right up her alley, but it's my money and I'm satisfied just to get used to the alone part for now. I've got all the time in the world for the rest.

I'm watching "When Harry Met Sally" (with commercials) on one of the cable channels. When I see it come up in the channel guide, I immediately tune to it, thinking of you. _You could call him, you know, Swan_, my brain reminds me. I smile. I could! I reach over to grab my phone and call you.

Instead, I hear a knock at the door. Weird. My breath catches in my chest. Could you be-?

A knock again. I open the door and you're standing there, breathless.

"'When Harry Met Sally' is on," you say. I smile. You smile. You grab me up in a hug and engulf me in a kiss. When I feel your tongue start to dance with mine, I can do nothing but melt into your embrace.

I don't remember watching the rest of the movie.


	36. Welcome

What do you do on the date you've been waiting months for? How can you possibly plan anything that will live up to your girl's expectations?

When I pose that question to you, you shrug and say, "I'll be happy doing nothing with you. As long as I'm with you, I'll have fun." Then you smile that smile and I'm putty in your hands.

Nevertheless, I've been waiting months to spend any length of time with you and so I do. We go to dinner at a little sushi bar with a real tatami room, sitting at the table for three hours, eating sushi and drinking sake in the candlelight. The real fun is just being with you, watching you talk, picking up sushi with your chopsticks, and sipping delicately from the small cups. You stop and smile at me frequently and I have to return those smiles with small kisses on your lips and cheek.

At 9.30, it's time to go. You yawn and stretch and give me a smoldering look that's hard to say no to. But I do. "Let's go to Newton's," I say after paying the check.

"Newton's? But it's Saturday night. It'll be crowded and smoky. Can't we just go back to my place and hang out?"

I kiss your forehead. "Remember: I've planned this evening. This is part of the plan."

You sigh and nod and we walk out to my car. I open the door for you. You give me a long kiss before getting in. If I didn't already have pretty firm plans, I would change them to my other pretty firm pants, er, _plans_.

At Newton's, Jasper and Alice are already shooting pool at the table I reserved for us. Knowing the owners has its perks. You smile at Alice, giving her a hug, and then give Jasper a quick hug. We take up our cues until 10.30. "Restroom break," I say and you give me a kiss on the cheek before I go.

At 10.45, the lights go up on the bar's small stage as I sit at a piano. I play the opening bars of "For Once in My Life" and I see your jaw drop when you finally realize who is on stage and what I'm about to do.

"This song is for my girl," I tell the crowd. When I'm done, you run up on stage and plant a huge kiss on me.

"Can we do the next one together?" you whisper to me.

"Let's do it."


	37. Love

It's like we can't get back to my place fast enough. The bedroom feels like it's too far down the hall. My shoes go first, then yours. My skirt, your pants. My shirt, your shirt. Jewelry, socks, it all goes. Wherever it falls, I'll find it later. _We'll _find it all later. We're on the bed before I know it. We can't stop touching each other. Our kisses leave me breathless. I am unashamed of my nakedness. I can't stop looking at yours.

Just so you know, I'm not this girl. I was never one to give it up on the first date. My first date with Jacob was riding dirt bikes around the back roads of Forks and La Push. It was many years before we found ourselves in bed together. It had always felt comfortable and fun. Jacob and I had had fun together. But he never felt essential to my very being. He was always there and I was so intimately familiar with him before we had ever had sex that being naked together was just another extension of that. Yet I never felt this completeness. I feel like I will never get enough of you.

How will we ever stop?

When we are spent, it is very late. We are ravenous again, having burned off all of the sushi and alcohol we've consumed this night. We raid the refrigerator and it's clear I need to go to the store. We do find popcorn and I hope I don't annoy the neighbors with the sound of it popping on my stovetop. We sit on the sofa, watching bad late-night television and occasionally getting into popcorn-throwing fights. It ends in the intertwining of our bodies again.

When I awake in the morning, I am blissful with the warmth of you next to me. We fell asleep touching and awaken the same way, happy and groggy underneath the covers. You reach over to kiss me and we begin the ancient dance again. It's new and familiar all at the same time. The memory of your touch has been the glue that held me together; it's your touch that again binds me whole.

You are the best part of me and I vow to spend every day telling you so.


	38. Grows

When co-workers lament the burden of marriage, I want to ask them endless questions about how they could possibly look at their significant others like that. How could anyone think of his spouse as anything but the best part of the person he is? My Bella, you are the best part of me and the daily reminders of that do everything to solidify that.

In the springtime, we travel to Florida to meet your mother and stepfather. I am greeted with warm hugs and a firm handshake from Phil. By the end of the trip, your mother declares me a keeper. I overhear her tell you, "Oh, Bella, real love found you, didn't it?"

In the summertime, we head to my parents' home and you meet Carlisle and Esme Cullen. My mother looks at me with tears glistening in her eyes as we talk about you after dinner. My father gives me something I was not expecting before we leave. "I think you might need this one day," he smiles.

The little velvet box holds a ring. The design would be called vintage now, but it belonged to my great-grandmother. She gave it to my grandfather after my great-grandfather had died. She wanted it to be passed down to all of the great loves in my family. My father had given it to my mother when they got engaged, but they both decided to give it to me. My father has already replaced it with another ring.

So, on a weekend when we are lying in bed, ignoring the fact that we have a laundry list of things we need to do, content to watch movies in bed, I pop in "When Harry Met Sally" while you are in the restroom. You grin really big when you see the opening credits.

"This is the best movie ever," you say teasingly.

"Meh," I shrug. "If this happened today, cell phones would make this dynamic impossible."

"Yeah, but they didn't _have_ cell phones or Facebook or online dating or any of that. It's a classic because you can relate to it without all of that."

"Meh," I shrug again, this time with a grin and a kiss for you.

When the end of the movie comes, after Harry has sped through New York on New Year's Eve, ready to tell Sally his truth, he says, "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." I pause it.

"That's a great line."

"It is. It's the perfect way for him to apologize to her."

"You know what, my Bella?"

"What?" You look over at me with that smile, the one that renders me putty in your hands.

"I'm ready for the rest of my life to start as soon as possible – with you."

And I present you with a vintage ring suitable only for the greatest loves. Like you. Like us.


	39. Bells

When we marry, it's fall. The leaves tumble around us as we stand hand in hand in front of a small gathering of friends and family, Alice at my side and Jasper at yours. When he winks at her, I see her blush brilliantly. I'm surprised they haven't beaten us here.

My simple, strapless, empire-waisted dress compliments your grey suit to a T. Bright red roses adorn lapels and sit with wrapped stems in my hands. A pendant, the clef heart, is nestled at my throat while your sleeves feature silver cuff links with E & B engraved on them, our initials intertwined with a heart. You look heavenly and I can't stop bursting with happiness just being near you.

When the time comes to say the words we've written to each other, I catch sweet tears on your cheeks and you do the same for me. We love with the very brightest parts of our selves and it shows in every photograph that I see later.

We conclude the ceremony with a poem we've written together:

**When did we fall in love?**

_In the spaces between hi and goodbye_

**In the small moments where words are made**

_In the sunshine and dark times_

**Through pain and uncertainty**

_Beside each other in light and shadow_

**Forever united**

_In love and Life. _

My sunshine and song.

My Edward.

My forever.


	40. Ring

The tiny face groans with little baby grimaces as we take her out of the bassinette. Charlie clucks to the sweet girl as she wiggles a bit in his arms. Renee and Phil and Esme and Carlisle stand behind him, the hospital room suddenly crowded. Renesmee quiets in her grandfather's arms and Charlie takes a seat in a rocking chair, his face trained on our little girl. Everyone else stands around, their eyes fixed on the new life we made.

But my eyes are on you at this moment. Labor has drained you, but you manage to remain upbeat and smiling, even with the dark circles that our first night has brought on. I brush your hair while the grandparents coo, groans escaping from your mouth. "That feels amazing. I am so sore," you moan. When I'm done, you lay back and regard the crowd in the room.

"They're hilarious. I've never seen so many full grown people fall for such a little girl."

I kiss your nose. "I've fallen for her too, but not as hard as I fell for you."

You laugh and then kiss me. "Ditto."

Your face grows serious for the moment and I bump shoulders with you. "What's up, my Bella?"

You look at me, with tears shining in your eyes. One slips down your nose and I wipe it away with my finger. "I'm so glad I kissed you, Edward. All those years ago. I'm so glad I took the chance."

"Me too, my Bella girl. Me too."

"When did we fall in love?"

"In the spaces between hi and goodbye."

The grandparents trade places while Renesmee sleeps in their arms. I lay back with you in the hospital bed, remembering the electricity of your touch that moment we met. Your warm brown eyes and your lovely cascading waves.

My Bella, my girl.


End file.
